How to handle negative emotions is one of the most controversial topics in the self-help movement-particularly such emotions as "regret."
"The [desire to change one's ways] that is according to the will of God, produces a repentance [change and amends] but without regret." (2 Corinthians 7:10).
Regret is an emotion that might very well control us more than any other. Since it is also an emotion that we often try to ignore or repress, it tends to do its damage beneath the surface of our conscious mind. Some of us allow such negative emotions to exist because we assume that we "deserve to have regret" as a punishment for the "poor choices" we've made. Others take the opposite approach and try avoiding regret by brushing it aside, never taking responsibility nor attempting to improve upon themselves. The former of these can be a statement of being a victim; the latter can be a statement of pure arrogance.
There is another option. Regret can serve us for good in that it can remind us to refrain from repeating the same mistakes. However, this could imply that our fear of experiencing the negative outcomes of our past errors will make us "behave" our way back into God's good graces. This is simply not so. It is not enough for human beings to simply "behave themselves," if such "good" behavior is motivated by guilt or regret. We have learned that there is a part of us-the Christ within-that is so pure it needs not to be "frightened into behaving" or "scared straight." The Christ within is pure Love, and where pure Love is, fear cannot exist. Besides, God already sees us as perfect and sinless.
Regret is also a form of self-condemnation, created by our ego as a means of keeping us in a state of un-forgiveness. When we use regret to keep us from doing something "wrong," we are trying to tell God that we've got our own plan for correcting errors. We think we will not need God's plan for release-known as "forgiveness of self." Self-condemnation is also our ego's way to keep us from learning and healing-our only two reasons for being here on earth. This, in turn, keeps us from being liberated and free. Instead, for us to heal our regrets, we have to confront them-head on-by processing them and then coming to peace with them!
So how do you know if your regrets are valid and that your awkward feelings about previous behaviors are valid or not? One way to know is to ask yourself if you would repeat the past behavior in the present time of your life. If not, then it probably wasn't for your highest good in the past. If you are still uncertain, you can ask yourself if what you did choose in the past is something you would recommend to others-particularly someone you care about. If you wouldn't recommend certain choices and behaviors to others, then why in God's name would you try to justify that it was okay for you?
Which of the following do you most often choose for dealing with regret?
1. "I have no regrets." This applies to people who refuse to own that they've made mistakes. They might deny or minimize their behaviors but all are merely aspects of denial or avoidance.
2. "I live with constant regret, guilt and shame." This applies to people who cannot seem to forgive themselves for their errors.
3. "Regrets serve no purpose in my life." This can sound suspiciously similar to the first option, but the difference is that the reason you now have no regrets is because you know what you thought you did never actually occurred.
It's easy to say you prefer and choose the third option. However, it is much harder to actually understand it and unless you understand it, you cannot actually choose it.
When we reach a heightened level of Christ Consciousness, we find no purpose in having regret for a couple of reasons: For starters, in the ultimate sense, whatever is in the past no longer exists. Second, when you are "born again" into a new level of consciousness-Christ Consciousness-you find that it was not the new you who committed the errors but instead, it was the old you-a part of you that exists no longer. As the Bible puts is, "There is now no condemnation for those who are [newly born into Christ Consciousness]." (Romans 8:1).
"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." (Galatians 2:20)
As with all things, there are a few ways to deal with regret. 1) You can ignore it and hope it goes away-pretending you don't feel it. 2) You can allow it to destroy you-always shaming yourself and your actions, which can then paralyze your abilities to move forward. 3) You can take an honest look (self inventory) at whatever it was that you've done (past or present) and learn from it-learning what made you choose that decision, what part of you the decision served (your ego or your soul), and even how you can choose differently next time. But the fact is that you need to do something with it. It does not serve you to pretend you are above it or that you simply don't feel such emotions.
Of course this does not imply that you need to shame or guilt yourself into making more "spiritual choices." Instead, the goal is to teach yourself about YOU and what makes you tick. Once you "know thyself," you will make different choices, but not out of fear or attempting to "be good." Instead, you will make different choices because you understand why you made your previous choices. Therefore, you can now make more educated, self-aware, and healthy choices.
It is not God's will for you to attempt to heal your soul through self-abasement. Making yourself feel bad for things you've done "wrong" is "ego-centered." Attempts to improve oneself through such means are simply not real nor are they long lasting. No amount of regret will ever correct your soul nor will it make amends for your past behavior.
"The anger [regret and self-condemnation] of man does not achieve the righteousness of God [a new self in a state of purity]." (James 1:20).
A Course in Miracles explains that errors are merely illusions that are not yet seen for what they are/were-they are actions or reactions that stem from a misperception of who we are. Therefore they are actions that are rash, unfounded, and misdirected, which means they have no foundation in reality...therefore they are not real. When truth enters the picture, the illusions disappear, "leaving not a trace by which to be remembered." This, in part, is referring to the fact that when you heal wounds from the past (which includes regret), your mind and brain will literally be re-wired in a way that unplugs the past (leaving no trace) and gets re-wired with new thoughts and belief-systems.
What then, can we do, to come to heal our regrets on the soul level? As with all things that are negative, or outworn, we can recycle them and allow them to be put to a new use (teaching us about ourselves). Then we can bid them farewell entirely. One such means of transforming regret into a miracle of healing is as follows:
1. Recognize there is a problem. Do a self-inventory to see if there is anything you can recall in your life (something you did or failed to do) with which you are not at peace. Look closely to make sure you are including things you would rather not think about.
2. Allow yourself to come to accept that there are far deeper issues than you had previously been willing to acknowledge. Once you have some memories or scenarios arise, ask yourself what the other people involved got from you and what you might have got from them. Be honest with this step, as it is sometimes hard to believe that we could get anything from some of our past events (such as abuses). Also, from these regrettable events, are there positives you can integrate or negatives from which you can learn? For example, if I regret not taking a job that was offered to me, I could choose to integrate into myself, and into my own life, whatever positives I liked or admired about that business. Then, I could also choose to learn from the negatives by perhaps owning that I may not have felt good enough for the job or maybe I allowed my fears of change to get the best of me. Now, seeing this, I can choose to never again allow such self-sabotage.
3. Prayerfully choose to surrender the entire experience to God, including the people, lessons, and emotions (such as regret).
4. Ask instead, that the previous space that this job (the people, the emotions, and so forth) took up in your mind, now be replaced with new thoughts and beliefs. The more self-inventory you did in the earlier step, the more room you have now created for God to move in and become a more active Force in your mind and soul.
5. Close your self-healing process by giving thanks that you have bravely bid farewell to so many deep layers of your past and that you have chosen to replace the previous, wounded guide in your soul, with a new, Divine Guide who has only your highest good in mind.
Imagine there are three rooms set in a row but connected by a door between each. The first room is a room where we experience bliss and pure love. We can call this room, Heaven. A Course in Miracles makes reference to the first room as follows: "Try to remember when there was a time...when nothing came to interrupt your peace; when you were certain you were loved and safe." This room still exists somewhere in our mind but needs to be rediscovered.
The next room is the room where we began to believe that we were separate from God. It is here that we gave birth to the effects of our mistaken choices. This is the room of guilt and regret.
The last room is where we live now. This is the room of outcomes. This is the room where we try to "get by" and ignore what we chose in the second room-in hopes that it was just a bad dream. What most people don't realize in the third room, is that even though you think you feel better than you did in the second room, you haven't really dealt with any of the choices and beliefs made in the second room nor the negative emotions, such as regret. Also, the room in which you now live is, in fact, one room further away from Heaven or the Real World of God. Therefore, the only way to repair this dilemma is to set your course (focus) on the first room (God) and then walk with commitment and conviction through the second room until you reach your destination-the first room--Heaven.
There are NO shortcuts. You cannot escape yourself. Instead, all parts of you that you perceive as flawed must be looked at square in the eye and healed. Each of these healings (miracles) gets you closer to the first room-Home. There are simply no other routes but straight through your own heart and soul.
"Lay judgment [of self] down, not with regret but with a sigh of gratitude. It was all illusion and nothing more." -A Course in Miracles
Michael Mirdad is a world-renowned spiritual teacher, healer, and author. He continues to tour extensively around the world leading church services, workshops and Sacred Sites Tours, as well as being a keynote speaker at some of the largest conferences in the country on Spirituality and Metaphysics.
Learn more about Michael Mirdad by visiting his web site at: http://www.grailproductions.com
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